Brain Makeover

I have to admit something.
 
I am a messy person.  I procrastinate.  My house is usually messy, my laundry is almost never put away, and pretty much 100% of the time, I have dirty dishes in my sink.  I never have clean socks, so I steal my husbands, and then he never has clean socks.  I never make my bed in the morning.  Or any other time of day, for that matter.  My carpet always needs to be vacuumed and the glass shower is frightful.

The worst part?  The very worst I cannot believe I am telling you this part?

*takes deep breath*

I don't have a job, and I don't have children.  It's just me and my husband (and our pets).  That's it.

I have plenty of time to take care of my home.  It should be beautiful - always, not just on special occasions or when someone comes to visit.  And I am so angry with myself for allowing us to live this way.  It is embarrassing and depressing, and I don't know what is wrong with me!  I truly don't understand why I do such a horrible job at such a simple thing.

The most confusing part is that I want to be the person who takes care of my home.  When I had a job, I fantasized about not having to work, making breakfast for my husband every morning, keeping my home beautiful, about how, if it wasn't for the pesky 8-5 job, my house would be perfect.  After losing my position to downsizing, and because of my husband's job, I was able to stay home.  And... nothing changed.  If anything, it is worse because now we are both in the house, messing it up, all day long.  (My husband works from home.)

I don't get it.  It should be simple, right?  Just clean already!  

I'm truly not lazy by nature.  At least not any lazier than your average person.  When I have a craft project, or fixate on something I want to get done, watch out!  I am all energy and effectiveness!  Life is beautiful!  Look at me go!  But then.... boom.  I hit bottom again, and everything comes to a standstill.

Now, if this isn't getting real enough for you, I will get even "realer". (I know, not a word, but whatever.)

I suffer from depression (which I imagine you could have guessed) and I am super sensitive to criticism, which my completely frustrated husband has every reason to dole out.  The whole reason that he agreed to letting me stay home was because I painted this picture of how wonderful our life would be if I could stay home and take care of everything.  I believed in that picture, I could see it, sometimes thinking about it was what got me through the day.  I simply have never made it happen with any consistency.  And my inner bully tells me every single day how much I suck, how severely I have failed, and how I will never ever make that picture a reality.

It hurts.  It hurts me, it hurts my husband, it hurts our marriage (which has all it's own problems without the addition of this one). 

I have to stop listening to all the negative.  I have to replace it with something better, something positive, something that doesn't pull me to pieces. 

I am trying.

I am trying to believe in myself.

I will believe in myself.

I would never talk to anyone -ANYONE- they way I talk to myself.  I don't care how rotten a person is, I would never ever say (or think)  the mean and damaging things about them that I think about me.  It's NOT RIGHT that I do that, it's evil and wrong and I WILL stop! 

I am praying for help, and I believe that God hears me.  I ask Him to clean my mind and heal my heart and to guide me.  The obstacles I face are not that I hide from housework.  The real obstacle is I have sold myself on the idea that I cannot succeed.  I must overcome and find my faith in myself again.  And that means that negativity and criticism HAS TO STOP.  It breaks me, and I cannot allow it in my life anymore.

I don't know why I am sharing this here.  I meant for this to be a safe place, with happiness and crafts and pretty things.  Don't worry, it will be - for me it is!  But the words are just spilling out of me today, and perhaps it is for reasons which are beyond my knowledge.  I believe that God works through us in ways we may never know, and I truly believe deep in my heart that He will teach me a way through this destructive jungle I am lost within.  And most of all, I believe He loves me, even when I don't know how to love myself.

Thank you for sticking with me.  It matters more than you know.

Speaking of God's work, I read a wonderful idea at Spying on the Swinney's (I can't find the actual post to link to, grrr) about making a chore list with planned breaks.  I created one for myself and am using it today to great success!  Hooray!  I ROCK! (See that positive affirmation?  Aw yeah.)

Here is my list:

It is long, yes, but I am not pressuring myself to get everything done All At Once (which has been one of my stumbling blocks, instead of cleaning methodically, I get myself all worked up in a cleaning frenzy which scares the dogs and wears me out for days afterwords.  No more!)

I don't have to think when I use this list.  I'm not planning what to conquer next, worrying about the most effective way to clean the wholelivingroom now it's timetovaccumeverywhere bright shiny object hurry hurry this is such a mess, I suck.

Nope.  Just nice and simple.  Follow the list.  Mark it off.  TAKE A BREAK AND BE PROUD OF WHAT I ACHIEVED.

Thank you, Lord, for guiding me to a blog that had just the right idea for me.  Thank you, Connie Lynn, for writing it!  (Sorry that I can't find the actual post, if I do I will add it here, but she has a wonderful site that is truly worth reading, so it's okay.)

* UPDATE:  I found the post!

Maybe someone out there needed to hear my thoughts.  I know I needed to share them.

Thank you.

*takes deep breath, hits publish*

Well, hello there stranger!

So, I've been absent, for.... a while. A loooooooong while. I've been in sort of a creative slump - deny the existence of the interwebs - wow time flies - mode. Dunno why, but it happens to me periodically. Sorry 'bout that. It's just the way I roll, apparently.

So, let's see... I've moved into the new house. And um... I've read a lot of books. And... become proficient at ignoring the house work. Not very interesting. I feel like the last few months have just slipped past without my notice. Weird, yes? This cannot be normal.

But now I am gearing up to go back to school and I am TERRIFIED. Also, excited, nervous, scared, and worried about money. The mister has been very encouraging and for the most part very patient with my whining about how sceered I am.

My current "plan" is to get at least an associates degree in graphic design. My last soiree into college was 10 - almost 11! - years ago and I went with a full honors scholarship and ZERO motivation. I went straight from high school to college and was SICK TO DEATH of school. Now I am looking forward to it (mostly). I hope I can remember how to write papers and do algebra and so on. Yikes.

Of course, I need to pick a school first, and that has been presenting it's own challenges. And then applying for scholarships and the dreaded student loans. SCEERY! I do have an appointment with a counselor* on Monday, so hopefully that will help me get started.

*(Side story: This counselor always refers to herself as "Mrs. Smith". Not her full name, not ever. Clearly she expects me to call her "Mrs." Which, okay, I guess I forgot about that particular schoolish thing**, but it kinda bugs me a little. Since, you know, I am now an ADULT with a house payment and a (teensy) retirement account and all. I guess it would be less weird if she didn't keep calling me by my first name. Look, I'm 28 and married, which you know from my info I submitted, so either return the courtesy and call me "Mrs." or skip the formality all together. I think when my hubby and I go to the appointment, I'll introduce us as "Mr. and Mrs." and see how that flies.)

**(I have no problem with calling people by their titles, such as "Professor" or "Doctor" or just being respectful to my elders, etc. But for some reason, this lady just bugs me. I mean, this school is going to cost me THOUSANDS of dollars, doesn't that earn me the right to call the admissions counselor by her first name? Or at least for her to return the courtesy and call me "Mrs."? After all, I am a CUSTOMER and deserve to be treated as one, yes?***)

***(Despite above rant, I know this isn't really THAT big of a deal. It's just weird and kinda... annoying.)

My Mantra: I can do this, I can do this, also: quit being a weenie.

So that's my news, such as it is. Riveting, huh?

It's getting deep in here...

So, I've been thinking... and man, are my synapses tired.

This is a blog I created to talk about my handmade jewelry, great etsy finds, and maybe a little bit about me thrown in.

And that's all well and good... but really damn boring.

REALLY

DAMN

BORING

So my question to you, how much more do you wanna know about me, the real me? The me that swears too much, that laughs at farts, that has "issues", that needs to clean the house more often?

Truth is, I am running a business, and this blog reflects my business. I don't want to muddy up the water with too many naughty words and stories about how I can't seem to get out of my pajamas. But, that is just a part of who I am, and the jewelry I make (and sell) is a part of me too. It may not be the same part that laughs at fart jokes... or is it?

Are you interested?