Brain Makeover

I have to admit something.
 
I am a messy person.  I procrastinate.  My house is usually messy, my laundry is almost never put away, and pretty much 100% of the time, I have dirty dishes in my sink.  I never have clean socks, so I steal my husbands, and then he never has clean socks.  I never make my bed in the morning.  Or any other time of day, for that matter.  My carpet always needs to be vacuumed and the glass shower is frightful.

The worst part?  The very worst I cannot believe I am telling you this part?

*takes deep breath*

I don't have a job, and I don't have children.  It's just me and my husband (and our pets).  That's it.

I have plenty of time to take care of my home.  It should be beautiful - always, not just on special occasions or when someone comes to visit.  And I am so angry with myself for allowing us to live this way.  It is embarrassing and depressing, and I don't know what is wrong with me!  I truly don't understand why I do such a horrible job at such a simple thing.

The most confusing part is that I want to be the person who takes care of my home.  When I had a job, I fantasized about not having to work, making breakfast for my husband every morning, keeping my home beautiful, about how, if it wasn't for the pesky 8-5 job, my house would be perfect.  After losing my position to downsizing, and because of my husband's job, I was able to stay home.  And... nothing changed.  If anything, it is worse because now we are both in the house, messing it up, all day long.  (My husband works from home.)

I don't get it.  It should be simple, right?  Just clean already!  

I'm truly not lazy by nature.  At least not any lazier than your average person.  When I have a craft project, or fixate on something I want to get done, watch out!  I am all energy and effectiveness!  Life is beautiful!  Look at me go!  But then.... boom.  I hit bottom again, and everything comes to a standstill.

Now, if this isn't getting real enough for you, I will get even "realer". (I know, not a word, but whatever.)

I suffer from depression (which I imagine you could have guessed) and I am super sensitive to criticism, which my completely frustrated husband has every reason to dole out.  The whole reason that he agreed to letting me stay home was because I painted this picture of how wonderful our life would be if I could stay home and take care of everything.  I believed in that picture, I could see it, sometimes thinking about it was what got me through the day.  I simply have never made it happen with any consistency.  And my inner bully tells me every single day how much I suck, how severely I have failed, and how I will never ever make that picture a reality.

It hurts.  It hurts me, it hurts my husband, it hurts our marriage (which has all it's own problems without the addition of this one). 

I have to stop listening to all the negative.  I have to replace it with something better, something positive, something that doesn't pull me to pieces. 

I am trying.

I am trying to believe in myself.

I will believe in myself.

I would never talk to anyone -ANYONE- they way I talk to myself.  I don't care how rotten a person is, I would never ever say (or think)  the mean and damaging things about them that I think about me.  It's NOT RIGHT that I do that, it's evil and wrong and I WILL stop! 

I am praying for help, and I believe that God hears me.  I ask Him to clean my mind and heal my heart and to guide me.  The obstacles I face are not that I hide from housework.  The real obstacle is I have sold myself on the idea that I cannot succeed.  I must overcome and find my faith in myself again.  And that means that negativity and criticism HAS TO STOP.  It breaks me, and I cannot allow it in my life anymore.

I don't know why I am sharing this here.  I meant for this to be a safe place, with happiness and crafts and pretty things.  Don't worry, it will be - for me it is!  But the words are just spilling out of me today, and perhaps it is for reasons which are beyond my knowledge.  I believe that God works through us in ways we may never know, and I truly believe deep in my heart that He will teach me a way through this destructive jungle I am lost within.  And most of all, I believe He loves me, even when I don't know how to love myself.

Thank you for sticking with me.  It matters more than you know.

Speaking of God's work, I read a wonderful idea at Spying on the Swinney's (I can't find the actual post to link to, grrr) about making a chore list with planned breaks.  I created one for myself and am using it today to great success!  Hooray!  I ROCK! (See that positive affirmation?  Aw yeah.)

Here is my list:

It is long, yes, but I am not pressuring myself to get everything done All At Once (which has been one of my stumbling blocks, instead of cleaning methodically, I get myself all worked up in a cleaning frenzy which scares the dogs and wears me out for days afterwords.  No more!)

I don't have to think when I use this list.  I'm not planning what to conquer next, worrying about the most effective way to clean the wholelivingroom now it's timetovaccumeverywhere bright shiny object hurry hurry this is such a mess, I suck.

Nope.  Just nice and simple.  Follow the list.  Mark it off.  TAKE A BREAK AND BE PROUD OF WHAT I ACHIEVED.

Thank you, Lord, for guiding me to a blog that had just the right idea for me.  Thank you, Connie Lynn, for writing it!  (Sorry that I can't find the actual post, if I do I will add it here, but she has a wonderful site that is truly worth reading, so it's okay.)

* UPDATE:  I found the post!

Maybe someone out there needed to hear my thoughts.  I know I needed to share them.

Thank you.

*takes deep breath, hits publish*